genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
