The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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