i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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