You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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