Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
