My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
