I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
