Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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