I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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