Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
