I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
