So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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