she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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