I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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