Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
