i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
