Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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