K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
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