Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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