Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
