Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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