If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
