Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
