when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
