Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
