Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
