My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
