Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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