Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
