my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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