you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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