Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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