I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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