i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
