no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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