On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
