Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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