Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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