I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
