I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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