I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
thus making me awesome and them whores
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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