WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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