I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
