I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
