I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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