the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
