if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
