Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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