She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
