We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
